Featured

Day 1: 8/6/19

Day 1

Well hello, I guess. I’m not exactly sure what brought me here- whether it was my random middle of the night, second wind-induced realization that I should keep up writing, or a completely out of the blue whim, but here I am anyways. Bluntly put, gap years suck, but I’m doing my best nevertheless- so I guess this is going to be my live, play-by-play documentation on gap year life, and how exactly I’m working towards my hopes and dreams in part to hold myself accountable, but also so that hopefully in a few years I can look back at where I was with a sense of accomplishment. Ultimately, if I’m really lucky, someone else will have stumbled upon this and found it to be helpful. So without much further ado, here’s a bit of backstory to how exactly I’m sitting at my desk at 2 am starting a blog of all things and what I hope to accomplish in the next year.

tldr: went to college (woooo number 1 public university go bears), was remarkably… average, struggled with anxiety, one thing didn’t go my way and I let that become me (for much too long), a lot of other things didn’t go my way, turned things around and was finally happy for a very short period of time, then the exam-who-must-not-be-named quite blatantly kicked my butt, and I ultimately became a person I was fundamentally unhappy with. Although I ended on a high note academically, the last few months of undergrad were largely the most miserable I have ever been. I had an otherwise shabby academic record, had yet to score an MCAT score I was pleased with, and didn’t have any concrete plans for the year that loomed ahead (or life in general), while everyone else had their plans seemingly figured out.

After a lot of thought, I realized that (as difficult as it is) I can’t base my happiness on success or other people, that happiness is most simply cultivated through gratitude, that growth is created from discomfort, and that success is propagated through willpower. I have since decided to view each day as something to be grateful for, as it is a new opportunity for new experiences and new knowledge. I have forgiven myself for mistakes I made in the past, and thankfully had the long-awaited realization (ironically, while on one) that if I want to live up to my full potential I need to start respecting myself. After a full out change in mentality, I’m finding that I am generally happier that I used to be and embrace fear and discomfort as welcome opportunities for growth. That being said, I absolutely can’t wait to move out and give this whole life thing another well-deserved shot next year. As for this year, I hope to fill my gap year with work (b/c ya girl needs her funds but also seeking employment rip sos), finding some master’s programs I’d genuinely be excited about, opening my MCAT books again and using the fear as fuel, getting into proper shape, baking, learning some new songs on the piano, and photography. And maybe, just maybe conquering my fear of heights.

p.s. sorry for being two days late. I fell asleep. But from now on, I hope to use this as a log of what I did everyday during this gap year I’m so thankful to have, and hope to try something new everyday.

On Potential and Rewriting

After nearly a month of procrastination and countless “I’ll do it tomorrow’s,” I finally checked my test score. I got a 510. While I’m grateful to have made some improvement (and overall have a much more balanced score), I did feel *slightly* disappointed in myself, and couldn’t help but to feel as if it was not a reflection of my full potential. For reference, I took multiple practice exams in the month leading up to my exam, and my lowest score was a 512, but I was able to break a 515 in the last few tests I took, leaving me feeling fairly optimistic before test day. I also thought that I studied much more sustainably this time around. While normally studying for this god-forsaken exam is a process riddled with countless mental breakdowns, self-doubt, and highs and lows, I felt that this time around was so much more consistent. I don’t recall having any “good cries” while studying, and while I did struggle with some practice material, I felt fairly consistent and my practice scores reflected that. As a result, I can’t help but to feel as if my score does not reflect my full potential. While it’s by no means a bad score (or at least one bad enough to push applying to medical school under the rug for another year), I have been reflecting on what I can do better, because clearly something is missing.

1. Becoming Process Oriented: Something that I recognize is that like most goals, career paths, and dreams, pursuing medicine is incredibly process oriented- meaning that appreciating the instances in which I had to skip something else in order to study, or resist the urge to hit snooze and start my day are the small instances that encapsulate the essence of the process. I feel that since I grew up in an environment that consistently reinforced that happiness, value, and self-worth should is derived from outcomes and destinations rather than processes and journeys, becoming more process oriented has required an incredible amount of effort, self-awareness, and inducing a fundamental change in the mindset that I have been conditioned to embrace. There is no reason that happiness (or even a sense of accomplishment) should be tied to the large milestones, when in reality, small milestones and actions taken each day- such as taking 15 minutes of your morning to read something that inspires you and places you in the right headspace for the day- ahead are behind the larger accomplishment. By delaying our own sense of accomplishment, we are unfairly robbing ourselves of the happiness that we deserve. We deserve to take pride in the small actions we take each day that drive us toward achieving the bigger goal, and not push off that happiness for another day. In the wise (and somewhat meme-worthy but nevertheless true) words of Joel Embiid, Trust the Process.

2. Making Time to Live: I have always been an all-or-nothing type of person- I either indulge in excess, or not at all. While it has been easy to recognize in theory, making a lasting change has proven to be slightly more difficult in practice. I live for novelty. A new food I absolutely need to try? The hike that has been sitting on my list of things I want to do? The potential new hobby left unchecked on my bucket list? Sign me up for it all. Experiencing life through a new lens is what captivates me and keeps me motivated; however, the issue arises when I completely throw all of my focus to work, thereby neglecting life, or vice-versa. I strive to have more of a balance between these two elements going forward, and to healthily integrate chasing the novel experiences I live for into my life.

3. Being Fully Present: This is something I have admittedly struggled with for a long time. Even while sitting down to write this piece, my mind has wandered countless times- drifting off to ask myself whether I think the cloudy sky may clear later today, and what I want to eat for lunch. I believe that we have become so interconnected and adapted to multitasking, thinking quickly, changing gears, and getting answers within a split second that it takes a degree of effort to re-ground and re-focus to the task at hand. Through being more present, I hope that I will be able to focus on tasks more easily, and get work done more efficiently with less worry and fewer distractions.

Rewriting my Life: Rewriting anything presents as a lofty goal; to rewrite means to not only dissect the meaning of whatever currently exists, but to release what no longer serves you in your own journey and to cultivate new habits that will help make the journey all the more meaningful. I was recently inspired by an idea that someone shared titled the “20/20/20 Routine.” The routine is detailed in a book titled “The 5 a.m. Club” by Robin Sharma, which touts the benefits of waking up at 5 am each morning in order to dedicate the first hour of your day to meaningful activities that will subsequently result in a more productive and fulfilling day. While I’m most certainly not about to dedicate myself to waking up at 5 am each morning (at least yet, anyways), I loved the concept of creating the time to ensure the first hour of the day starts out with wellness in mind. In this routine, 20 minutes are spent meditating, another 20 are spent exercising (although I would probably replace this with drinking my cherished morning cup of coffee and listening to a podcast as I prefer exercising in the evening), and the last 20 minutes are spent reading, writing, or journalling. Today was the first day I embraced the routine, and while I took a quick cleaning break in between, I felt more excited to be awake and start my day. Done consistently, I can see this routine having a profound impact on the quality of my days, and the willingness with which I embrace the process- whatever may lay ahead going forward. Additionally, in order to experience life in a more balanced way, I have decided to take the time out to try something new (go to a new place, try a new hobby, etc…) at least once a week. Finally, in hopes of being more present, I have made small changes that include setting limits on how long I stare at my phone screen aimlessly scrolling, and changing how many news outlets I receive notifications from. Waking up to a flood of notifications from a myriad of news outlets- mostly from the preprogrammed settings- has never been an optimal way to start my day, and I hope that by making this small change, I can start off on a much less overwhelmed note, as it is so important to balance being aware of current events while taking care to not over-consume either.

If you’ve managed to make it to the end of this, thank you for reading, and I also invite you to try the 20/20/20 routine (or your own rendition of it). Here’s to wellness while achieving that full potential in whatever it may be.

Some Life Updates…

So we meet again. Sensing a pattern yet? Once again, I find myself taking a moment to reflect out loud (or at least in writing) on the past few months since I last wrote, where I’m at currently, and where I hope to be/how I hope to grow in these next few months. This might be a little more reminiscent of a diary entry as opposed to my usual somewhat long-winded soliloquy centered on a particular topic, but here it goes nevertheless.

Happy application season to my fellow 2022 med school hopefuls! Frankly reflecting on the past 6 years of experiences and my own journey and my why has been rapidly pushing its way to the forefront of my mind throughout the first half of the year, and as a result, this is what most of my blog post is going to be about.

Taking the Plunge: I did it. I retook my MCAT. After over two (very) tumultuous years, countless “I’ll sign up for it the next rounds,” and a global pandemic later, I signed up, studied, and retook this exam that has been persistently looming over my head (and not to mention a general menace to my well-being). While I’m proud of myself for getting through the process with comparatively fewer mental breakdowns than any of the other instances I took the exam, it still induces the same deep-seated discomfort in my gut. Merely thinking about the exam or how I did or checking my score (which has now been out for almost a month) makes me feel like simultaneously throwing up and becoming a ghost. While I took my exam in late March, I have felt “checked-out” for lack of a better term since, and have largely delegated the remainder of my day to day activities since to autopilot. Once again, I feel that life is passively happening to me rather than feeling in control and in charge of the direction of my own life. On a more exciting note, I completed my last full semester of graduate courses and for the first time since my senior year of high school, received all A’s. What a feeling. I have never been one to stress (excessively) over grades, and have usually done relatively well in school; however, consistently putting forth my best effort yet receiving overwhelmingly mediocre grades throughout my undergraduate career really took a significant toll on my mental health. While I know, understand and emphasize (!!) that academic performance- or any indicator of performance, really- should not dictate your own self-worth, and that self worth is derived from within, I felt absolutely defeated when my best efforts to do well were not enough; these defeats quickly piled up, leaving me feeling discouraged and worthless. Luckily, I can report that since then, I think I’ve become a better student, prioritized my own mental health and wellbeing much more than I used to, and as a result, have seen better results academically.

My Takeaways: What I took from this process (and I sincerely believe these things can be applied to almost any challenge in life) was the power of balance. Often within this career field- and so many others- people glamorize being miserable. It’s the widely held notions of “I didn’t speak to my friends for 6 months,” and the “I hated my life for the month leading up to the exam,” and the “I was so miserable and sleep-deprived” that make us believe that in order to be successful and “keep up,” we have to be these things too. We do not. The most profound and deep-rooted wins come from being able to balance making the occasional sacrifice in order to prioritize whatever it is we may be working on while also taking care of ourselves and making sure that we get our sleep, are eating well, staying connected with the people we love, and taking the time we need to reflect on our experiences as they occur. You do not have to make yourself miserable in order to be successful. I also learned the importance of cultivating good habits and sticking to them in order to better combat my procrastinator tendencies. While I still definitely procrastinated starting studying for this exam (and have definitely procrastinated getting my application in order), life is SO much easier if we take it step by step, prioritize a task or two a day, and most importantly execute the task of the day, whatever that may be. Big goals and accomplishments don’t just happen overnight (SO much easier said than done).

The Now: Cue Britney Spears’ 2000 hit “Oops I Did It Again..” because once again, I have procrastinated. Using phony justifications like “diamonds are made under pressure” as an alibi for my self doubt and feelings that I am not good enough to apply to med school (when in reality and despite any statistic, I have put in the work and am very passionate about being a physician), I find myself with T-1.5 days until submission opens with absolutely none of my application filled in. I have my activities outlined and my personal statement in mind, but for some reason, I have not been able to sit down and just write. In any other context, I absolutely love to write- it’s my creative outlet, my peaceful 20 minutes of the day, my opportunity to relax, reflect, and give thanks through words. However (and this is a BIG however), I do not particularly enjoy writing about myself- especially within the context of producing a seemingly expertly-crafted humblebrag about myself. Few things in this world disgust me more. In fact, this is almost a warm-up piece to get back in the writing funk before I sit down and get to more seriously writing what will hopefully be a winning personal statement.

More Takeaways: Self doubt is the enemy of success, and continuing to marinate in thoughts that make you doubt yourself or your capabilities is only blocking your success. The antidote: sit down and just do it. By reclaiming your autonomy over yourself through sitting down and doing the thing and not letting your fears define you, you’re holding up a metaphorical middle finger to self doubt or any other counter-productive thoughts that may be blocking your successes.

I apologize for this very diary-esque post, but I hope that it finds someone who can derive any sort of meaning, inspiration, or positive thought from it. Hopefully I’ll be back for more normal writing soon.

On Survival Mode

By some miracle, I feel inspired to write a lil something at 1:30 pm rather than the usual 1:30 am, and in the spirit of trying to procrastinate less, I’ll share right now. Like many others, I have felt very sluggish over the past year. It’s almost as if adding more items to my to-do list makes me drag my feet more in response, and day after day, I find myself merely doing the bare minimum to survive. However, this action (or rather inaction) is not without consequence- at some point during the day, I feel myself slowly begin to grow more miserable and hopeless in knowing that by merely surviving, I am impairing my current and future prospects of truly thriving.

While I have never personally been a fan of the adage “You are what you eat,” I will admit that the saying holds truth, particularly in the age of consumerism, where almost every action we partake in is an act of consumption in one form or another. We are not only taking in food, water, and air, but also many forms of media whether it be ads, news, photos, videos, blog posts, or the latest status update about our best friend’s neighbor’s son’s dog. By being constantly bombarded by something almost all of the time, it’s almost as if we are forced to sit at a table and stuff our faces without having the luxury of taking that important moment to pause and have the realization of “oh sh*t- I’m really full, I should probably stop eating and unbutton my pants.”

Now, anyone who has been even half-awake over the past year has probably noticed the absurd amount of deep-seated issues, notably but certainly not limited to our lack of preparedness for a global pandemic, that have been unearthed over the past year, and that our day-to-day lives have significantly changed. Your commute to work? Forget it. Jumping over people’s legs to sit in the only empty seat in a crowded lecture hall? Forget that too. Your job? Yup, maybe even take that one off the list.

Given this sudden and rapid shift in the landscape of the world and everyday life, it inevitably makes sense that a lot of us are therefore doing the bare minimum we need to do in order to survive every day. Evolutionarily, we are mechanistically wired to activate “survival mode” whenever we are in danger or being threatened in some way, meaning abandoning whatever makes us thrive in order to solely focus on surviving. While the impending threat of a mountain lion or some other predator attacking us in our sleep no longer poses a huge risk to most of us, the act of consuming copious amounts of negative stimuli such as a new and somehow more awful headline engages our neurological system in a similar way that the stress of an impending mountain lion attack would. Naturally, it makes sense for us to abandon the things that help us thrive if it means we have a shot at survival.

From a biologic perspective (for anyone interested), the introduction of new and significantly stressful stimuli in our environment results in physical changes in the structure of our brains (cool, I know). Normally, we rely heavily on a portion of our brain called the frontal lobe for complex thinking and higher cognitive functions; however, under stressful conditions, there is evidence that our brains undergo a remodeling process that favors the increased activation of the comparatively older and less complex limbic system- enabling us to rely more heavily on the parts of our brain needed for survival. As a result, our reliance on the frontal lobe (higher cognitive center) is reduced, having significant impacts on our ability to engage in comparatively “higher-level” activities such as complex thinking.

Remembering this small fact has definitely helped me be a little more forgiving with myself for my level of inaction lately. While I do realize that we’re all really just doing our best, I couldn’t help but notice that some people have used this past year or so to invest in themselves so that one day they can (or even already are) thriving, and have wished that I was able to do that countless times. Note: I do not condone comparing yourself to others ever- we all have uniquely different circumstances and struggles in our lives that shape how we get to where we’re going; I find that focussing on my own journey and what I could be doing to make my life easier and make myself better than I was yesterday as a much more productive use of time and brain space.

After carefully analyzing just how differently some of us are doing, I concluded that the magic answer that I have been searching for lies in adaptation, and that some of us are just faster at adapting than others. While we’re all unique and shaped by a different myriad of factors, adaptation is a skill that we each intrinsically possess. I believe that adaptation arrives in the form of acceptance- accepting that the world is a crazy place and sometimes there isn’t too much we can do about it, accepting that sometimes we really just need to do our best to merely survive right now, and accepting that we are resilient and programmed to learn to adapt following years of evolutionary fine-tuning.

With that, thank you for reading if you’ve managed to get to the end. I hope that wherever you are, you are doing well and on the road to thriving one day, even if that means surviving today.

A small reminder…

I’ll keep this one short and sweet, but it’s based on a recent thought in which I found both comfort and excitement in. It goes something like this: your frame of reference is merely a speck- there is so much more good that has yet to enter your life, and so much more out there that you have yet to discover and experience.

Ironically (and obviously) enough, we only know what we know. While we are capable of accepting that there is so much we have yet to learn and see going forward in our time here on Earth, falling into a habit of being complacent with something (or anything, really- a job, a lifestyle, a relationship, a mindset) out of convenience, impatience, or availability is easy to do.

Note to self: just because something doesn’t exist in my world just yet, it does not mean such a thing will never exist- it can and it will (if you want it to).

On 2020 (and wishes for 2021)

Late again, I know. I started writing this and didn’t quite wrap it up until just now, but here it is anyways.

All jokes aside about the clock striking “11:60,” calendars changing to “December 32nd,” and welcoming in 2021 by yelling “Jumanji” aside (which I did in fact do as a precautionary measure), 2020 is finally approaching an end, and I cannot emphasize the sheer gratitude with which I type this sentence. On a personal level, this past year has been exhausting and has broken me in more ways than I can count.

In the past, I have never really put too much stock into New Year; to me, it was just a “reset” that could be any arbitrary day- a mere holiday celebrating the passage of time. This year is a little different in that I feel that the world has been more connected than ever, and been through more together than in years past. Therefore, a collective “reset” encouraging us to reflect on how much has changed on the little rock we call home in this last lap around the sun might not only be therapeutic, but also help us renew our hopes together. While flipping the calendar to 2021 won’t magically stop the pandemic in its tracks, cure race-relations, and eliminate the disparities that are at the root of many of the issues unearthed in 2020, it represents a step forward toward what is hopefully a more positive future.

With that being said, here is a list of a few observations and points of reflection I have made throughout and about this past year:

  1. News: This one is about something that had a much larger impact on my time, energy, and mental health that I would have ever imagined. The emergence of this obsession with being connected with the world and not wanting to miss a single thing while feeling more disconnected than ever on the inside has taken a large toll on many of us. Personally, my own increased consumption was out of a combination of a genuine fear of missing something important and my own fear of being ignorant to what was going on in a time so much was (and still is) going on. I would go to sleep stressed and unable to fall asleep, and wake up in the morning feeling anxious with my heart racing as I immediately turned off my alarm and scrolled through the news headlines, anticipating reading about something else horrible taking place while I was asleep. Like many of us this year, I was subject to the constant bombardment of social media, finding myself physically and psychologically unable to disconnect, doomscrolling (defined as “consuming a large quantity of negative online news, typically without pause, to the detriment of the mental health of the person consuming it”) until the wee hours of the morning. On one hand, I wanted to stay in the loop and in touch with what is happening in the world so I can do my part in speaking up for what I believe is right, but on the other hand I wanted to disappear off the face of social media, as I felt awful being swarmed by negative story after negative story. As someone who strongly identifies as an empath and absorbs the emotion behind whatever I see, I recognized that staying away from social media might be the best thing for me, and found myself happiest on the days when I was outdoors, trekking somewhere far away from phone service; however, I ultimately decided to stay active on social media and continue to consume news as I had been doing before out of fear of being ignorant. Frankly, I’m still not sure that I made the correct choice, but I’ve learned to be more cognizant of what I’m taking in and how to balance being connected with disconnecting for my mental health.
  2. Feeling numb: This is more of a recent one, as I fear that like many others I have grown callous to the workings of the world. There’s only so many good shower cries (I’m talking no music, standing in burning hot water, cry ’til your tears are all out and you can’t breathe good cry) one can have before simply ceasing to feel anything at all. To further numb myself and detach from the world, I’d subsequently decide to neglect all responsibilities for multiple days at a time, and immerse myself in one of my favorite TV fictional worlds, while eating nothing but a bag of candy and some trail mix, often to my own detriment and regret. Having a full out good cry, detaching completely as a coping mechanism, realizing I need to complete a task to fulfill the bare minimum, and repeating was a horrible cycle I fell back into, but am happy to have finally broken.
  3. Letting life happen to me rather than going out and grabbing it: This one was a pattern that I fell back into from 2019. At the time, I made the choice to metaphorically “bench” myself from life because I was ultimately unhappy with the person I had become and realized that I had to heal if I wanted to stop letting life happen to me and return to being that person who searched for opportunities in life. At the end of 2019 when I finally was happy with myself and grew the confidence and self-respect I needed, I went into the new year excited to continue living my life to the fullest, fresh with a newfound appreciation for time. When the train wreck that has been 2020 commenced, I quickly saw that opportunity as gone, as everyone was collectively “benched,” and I let the frustration and anger crush my spirit and unenthusiastically continued to go through the motions of what needed to be done. While I did occasionally find happiness in hiking days and drives down my favorite highway, I largely felt that time was passing me by, and each second I failed to grab it, hold on, and make something of it. However, I’m happy to report that I’ve been shaking this off over the past few weeks with the realization that there are so many factors out of our control, and it’s our job to make the best of the cards we have been dealt.
  4. We really aren’t in control: This epiphany was a comforting one (in my opinion, at least). Considering there are over 7 billion of us piled up on a relatively tiny rock hurling over 60,000 miles per hour through space, there are lots of things that lie far beyond our control. While I spent more than a fair share of time debating with myself whether the current situation was preventable, I realized that there are so many factors everyday that pose the threat of disrupting us, and in the grand scheme of things, we’re pretty insignificant. Living in fear of change and with hatred toward change isn’t the answer, as these things are inevitable. Having a good sense of humor helps with this one, as I have found laughing at myself and my own flops helps make change a little easier sometimes.
  5. Learn to recognize self-sabotage: Life doesn’t have to be that difficult sometimes, so why make it so? At times, I found 2020 so awfully repetitive, that I sprinkled in a little self sabotage to spice things up. My personal favorite form, procrastination, proved to be the gold-medalist in this year’s self sabotage Olympics, but after recognizing this pattern, I hope that it is something I can put to rest going forward, as there isn’t an infinite number of “tomorrow’s.”
  6. Self love and self-respect: This one was a repeat lesson for me and largely ties in with the self sabotage. Concisely put, I recently came across a statement that really struck with me: “Treat yourself like you treat those you love.” Read that again. In theory, it should and does make sense, but in practice, I struggle. Why am I willing to run a marathon and then some for those I love but struggle to even complete a mile for myself sometimes? This statement is one I will remember more going forward into 2021 because I do love myself- so why should I treat myself as any less than the people I love.
  7. Choose gratitude: This year was a real test of that. At the end of 2019, I finally adopted a more gratitude-based mindset that forced me to see the good in everything that came my way regardless of whether it was wonderful or awful. I welcomed this new way of thinking as a challenge for my brain in altering my frame of perception into one based on acceptance, learning, and love, but 2020 broke the mindset I had worked so hard to adopt. As a result, I reverted back to being chronically happy and thinking “why do things have to be this way” as I was frustrated with the general direction of the world from non-adherence to lockdown and mask guidelines to the sheer amount of negativity. Each day I would have a miniature existential crisis whether things have really gotten worse in the world or whether perceiving the world in such a negative light was just the product of growing older and becoming more jaded. However, I remember one *small* but important moment of peace and reassurance toward the end of the year. For my birthday, I sat on an empty beach alone and stared at the water while thinking how lucky I am to call earth home, and how after each seemingly impressive wave, another more impressive one would eventually come after. This reminded me how everything we experience is temporary, and washed away in a flash. As I continued to watch the water, I reminded myself that I will accept what comes my way with gratitude from now on. There is no shortage of negative people and horrible things in this world, and we (on an individual level) usually can’t control these factors too much; however, we are very much so in charge of how we choose to receive things and interpret the world.
  8. Choose Do over Dwell: I longed for comfort and the past and my “old” life back more than ever in 2020, mostly because of the change it brought. As a result, I wasted a monumental amount of time wishing life was different, ultimately sacrificing creativity and productivity on what had already passed and couldn’t be changed. Had I spent time doing the things I needed to accomplish more of my goals, I believe I would have at least felt somewhat fulfilled.

In 2021, I hope to cultivate healthier habits including…

Being more kind to myself: Making sure I eat everyday and make healthier choices (and not forget to eat all day and polish an entire box of Peppermint Oreos).

Not waiting on the world to reopen to be productive: Realistically who knows how long things are going to be this way (where I’m at, we’re in lockdown again and things don’t seem to be looking up for a while). Might as well accept not having any social obligations to give 110% in the few things I have going on right now so that I can put myself in position to really live once some semblance of normal returns.

Consistently exercise: As I write this on what is now 1/5, I am happy to report I am *very* sore from today’s workout, and excited for my next workout in the morning.

Be a warmer person: 2020 really took it out of me. I honestly became a cold person who was shut off from everyone with the exception of a small handful of people. I became uninterested and aloof- characteristics that are not in alignment with my true personality. Consequentially, I have felt isolated and two-dimensional for lack of a better term, just doing the bare minimum and shutting down.

Embracing life: I really hope that in 2021 I can fall in love with life again and act knowing that I do have at least some willpower over how things turn out.

Semi-consistently journalling or writing: Whether it’s on here or on a piece of paper, I really enjoy being able to get my thoughts out into the void. It helps me not dwell on anything for too long, clear up some headspace, and maybe see that we really are, at least to some degree, all going through some of the same things.

Non-screen related hobbies: Lately art and painting have been a therapeutic and fun way to not contribute to unnecessary doomscrolling

Read more: Self explanatory

Spend more time with the people I love: Largely contingent on the state of the pandemic, but I think a lot of us want this one.

Eternal optimism: This is my last point, but I truly hope to embrace this mindset of eternal optimism in order to feel lighter and be more productive by knowing that the universe is working with us, not against us (even though it may seem so at times). A video I recently watched put into words a feeling/way of thinking that involves embracing whatever comes your way: amor fati (which literally translates to love for one’s fate). If we can learn to love our fate and learn from it, I believe that we can live at the level of intrinsic and soul-level happiness, and seek joy in eternal optimism.

Again, I apologize for the long post, and if you have managed to make it this far, thank you for reading. Wishing you nothing short of the absolute best in 2021.

Link to the video I really enjoyed (~10 min watch): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NpJpjlLze5k

On Being Better

I’ve decided to write whenever I feel particularly compelled to do so and have something to share, regardless of what it is- good, bad, or ugly. Part of what I feel this world so significantly lacks is the ability to be candid about ourselves. While it’s easy to constantly post the good things that happen to us, the accomplishments, milestones, and good memories, ultimately creating a polished “highlight-reel” of our lives, this sugar-coated mirage that we live essentially struggle-free lives isn’t real. By no means do I consider myself to be a writer, but whatever I am on here and in real life, I hope that I can be as real and authentic to myself as possible, and I acknowledge that I have also been guilty of only sharing my “highlight-reel” moments. That being said, what I’m writing today is a (hopefully) small reflection on how I have personally been these past few weeks (months?), and how I hope to improve and be better.

_________________________________________________ A brief pause to reflect: Life is far too short to live inauthentically- there are 7 billion (!!) of us all living the human experience through a different lens. It honestly baffles me that everything we perceive, everything that inspires us, and everything we create can be seen and interpreted uniquely by each person depending on their own human experience and perception. _______________________________________________

Honestly, I have been far from great. Lately, getting up has been a struggle for me- I’ll sleep well into the day until 11 am or so, lay in my bed and contemplate what a waste of a day it already is, and start my “day” around noon by making food. I’ll eat while watching a show, either Friends or a quick Youtube video, only to fall further down the internet rabbit hole while continuing to neglect my work and responsibilities, which only become more pressing by the day. Around 4 pm or so, I’ll feel tired again and resort to taking a ~2 hour nap, waking up feeling like utter garbage. When I wake up, my stomach will growl at me, and I’ll respond by eating half a bag of hot cheetos. No water. I’ll then proceed to blankly stare at the growing list of things to catch up on, and before I know it, it’s 9 pm. Begrudgingly, I manage to get out of bed and make some semblance of a dinner. I’ll do a little work, tell myself “I’ll be better tomorrow,” and watch TV until I fall asleep around 2 am, only to repeat this the next day.

Clearly, my mental health is not good for lack of a better term. Maybe this is a common feeling, but the conglomeration of existential pandemic dread combined with what seems to be a remarkably stressful year in non-pandemic-related world events mixed with a pinch of stress over classes and a dash of upcoming MCAT and application dread, (not to mention the extreme lack of something to look forward to) is simply too much. Normally, I can shut out stress, but stress that is largely evoked by factors and events out of most normal people’s control is new to me, and I am actively noticing that I am shutting down in the face of this new breed of stress.

Moreover, this feeling of being helpless in the face of stress is once again uprooting habits that I thought I had left in the past. Somewhere late in 2019 I had a life-changing realization of how much I regretted not doing because I wasn’t living life according to my own terms, and thought that I would never look back. While that realization came into fruition after a self-imposed year-long timeout after the sobering realization that I had become a version of myself that I was not proud of, this new year (or realistically longer) long timeout has been horrible for me. I acknowledge that so many people have cultivated versions of themselves that they are happy with and proud of, but for me personally, I have catapulted into another wave of depression. At the end of last year and the very beginning of this year, I had finally become someone I was proud of, and trusted myself to wake up, take on the day, and make good decisions; however, the nature of the pandemic and greater world have made me realize just how fragile those things are. As a result, I grew impatient, angry, and sad that the world could suddenly decide to change so drastically when I had just emerged, ready to take it on.

Caring for your mental health while still getting things done is difficult and something that I have still not at all figured out. Going forward, I really do hope that I can stand up again and be on my way to once again cultivating the life I want. If you’ve managed to make it this far, thank you for reading. I really, really hope that you can’t relate to this one, but if you do, I want you to know that the human experience- despite how nuanced and varied it may appear- is generally similar. Despite the intricate and small differences in or day to day lives, experiences with mental health, and overall associations and interactions with the world, we all experience feelings of inadequacy, self doubt, and have bad days. Being better isn’t about being perfect, but is about being forgiving to ourselves, allowing us to have the time and space to heal, and celebrating the wins, no matter how small. With all of that being said, I think I’ll end with this: Tomorrow will bring better.

Election Night

Let’s get political, shall we? I expected today to be stressful, but I didn’t exactly expect *this*. Currently, I’m in my room, struggling to make a dent in the studying I somehow have to accomplish before my exam in 3 days because like many other Americans (and frankly the rest of the world), I’m simply too preoccupied with the election to concentrate on school. Side note: I’m back in school and doing my master’s degree (!!); it’s been exciting and stressful so far, but more on that later.

If I am being completely honest, I really did not expect this election to have such a narrow outcome. With early ballot counts touting record numbers of voters, I was confident that Biden would have a solid lead; however, tonight has demonstrated otherwise. While I remain cautiously optimistic as many of the votes that have yet to be counted are from urban areas (Detroit, Philadelphia, Atlanta, etc…), I really did not expect that I would be going to sleep on Election Night with no idea of what will come and when we will get an answer. Moreover, I am genuinely disappointed and appalled that while Biden currently has the popular vote, Trump is following closely behind. Now, I understand that times are tough, but I am shocked (for lack of a better word) that so many people- in fact, almost half of those voting- are opting to give a president who has cost hundreds of thousands of American lives through failing to produce an adequate response to the pandemic, refused to denounce racists, and has actively fed into the hatred that is dividing America today (not to mention, has also been impeached) another shot at 4 more years. Personally, I am SO privileged in that I never had to first-handedly experience so many of the crimes against humanity that became countless other individual’s reality when this man was elected; however, for many people that was not the case.

You-know-who failed to mount a response to the coronavirus pandemic and instead took this as an opportunity to pass the blame of his administration’s inadequacy to other countries and instilled a deep-seated mistrust of science and facts among the population. Consequentially, it has cost many young people at least a year (but more likely years) out of the years of our lives when we’re supposed to be in school, with friends, and making memories, but more importantly, it has cost us the countless lives of family, friends, and coworkers that have been lost due to the pandemic. Even still, the president continued to cast doubt on the pandemic, reporting that it would “disappear” after the election, as numbers reached new highs with no plan in sight.

Immigrant families are being separated. Children are in cages. The West is on fire. Police are brutalizing citizens. White supremacists are being protected. Women’s rights are at risk. The planet is at risk. Black lives are at risk. Indigenous lives are at risk. Hate is alive.

Who looks at any of this and thinks “I want four more years of that.” How do over 64 million people look at this and think “I want four more years of that.”

That thought SCARES me. We collectively look back on slavery, the Holocaust, genocide, and other crimes against to humanity and think “how did this happen,” yet, the sentiments that these atrocities are rooted in are still very much so around- people are simply no longer afraid to express hateful and alienating thoughts.

To the other side: I get it. Your pockets are happy, and the stock market is doing well- but when did monetary gain start to come before basic human decency? When did monetary gain take precedent over minority lives, people of color, and the Earth? America, please sort out your priorities. Having been brought up in an immigrant family, altruism is a value that has been instilled in many of our lives for as long as we can remember. We get to grade school and are suddenly taught that individualism is more important. While there are values in both and the small intricacies that make you you are never meant to be overlooked, sometimes altruism is significant too. The lack of altruism in American culture can be seen everywhere from choosing to turn the other way when we see something that isn’t right to the lack of adherence to mask mandates. People are opting to put others around them at risk rather than bear with a short period of discomfort for the collective good of everyone by refusing to wear masks and protesting guidelines. This same lack of altruism carries over to political choices when voters choose to protect their own pockets over the lives of minorities, the rights of women, and the health of the planet.

Going forward, I hope that we can eliminate the two party system, because frankly, I really do not care for either candidate (despite having voted for Biden), and the way it stands, the Democratic party is too divided, and many members of the Republican party (and this is applicable to both parties depending on the issue) will choose party over country. Anyways, I am exhausted and burnt out and will go back to my studying for now. If you somehow managed to read this far, thank you for that. I hope that regardless of the election’s result, that all sides can come together and hold productive conversation rather than continue the barrage of pointed attacks toward each other that tragically defines American politics today.

EDIT: I am writing this at 1 am on 11/8, and am so grateful that the right choice has been made. While I was sound asleep when the news initially broke, trying to recover from my exam, I felt a weight lifted off my shoulders when I woke up and checked my phone. Seeing people masked up, celebrating in the streets of cities across America, just enjoying everyone’s company while singing and dancing made me feel an immeasurable amount of happiness, and evoked the smallest feeling of hope that I have not felt in years. I am happy that the focus has now shifted to unifying us rather than dividing us, and healing what can only be described as a broken nation. With that, I am so grateful that the WORLD is taking part in celebrating this victory, and I feel alive again.

Final point: I hope that this painful lesson has been one that we do not soon forget. We owe it all to the Black and Indigenous people who showed up big for us. As time goes on, I hope we do not grow complacent with things and continue to vote and engage in productive discussion as to how we can- and will- move forward.

Insomnia

It’s been a while. I know. The last time I published anything was February 5th, 2020. While I have opened my laptop to write multiple times in the past 221 days and even saved multiple drafts waiting to be uploaded, nothing seemed to do it for me. So far, this year has felt like one hit after another- I would start a piece that I felt resonated with me and captured my thoughts and emotions in the moment, but suddenly find myself running late for work, telling myself “I’ll come back to it later.” However, between the pandemic fatigue, mental fog, generalized sentiment of apathy and the burgeoning set of new thoughts and feelings that took over as a completely new and somehow more awful headline emerged, later quickly became never.

On a personal level, the past 221 days have been filled with ups and downs, veiled by a general sense of longing for the “good old days.” I started grad school, I lost my grandfather, I moved to a new city in the middle of a pandemic, I postponed my MCAT (again- surprise, surprise), and I did a lot of reflecting.

Between the many “slumps,” bouts of insomnia, and strange/borderline hallucinogenic quarantine dreams (or nightmares, whatever you choose to call them), I thought about life and what it means to be alive sharing this experience with 7 billion fellow humans. I thought about history, I thought about race, I thought about the value that we have placed on the color of our skin. I thought about injustices throughout time, I thought about crimes against humanity, I thought about evoking change. I reflected on my own life and thought about my own privilege. I began reading “for fun” again. At times, I felt incredibly confident in myself and abilities to navigate the world during uncertain times, yet the next day, I would find myself feeling down and hopeless. I thought about love. I cried myself to sleep. I tried to be better to myself for myself. I compared myself to others- just as I said I would not do. And on some days like today, my brain was buzzing with so many thoughts I simply could not fall asleep.

I feel comfort knowing that many others share the same thoughts and feelings over the past 7 months as I have. Although the past few months have been a nauseating amalgamation of fear, misery, and a general sentiment of distrust, I find hope in knowing that we can and will do better. With that it’s time to sleep, as it’s past 3:30 am. In the next few days, I hope that I can finish up the few things sitting in my drafts and publish them since they are vignettes illustrating my direct thoughts/emotions in this wild time we’re all living in.

And to anyone who stumbles across this: I hope that you are doing well. I get that it may be tough living in the current climate we’re facing, and hope that despite all the terrible things that are happening in the world, you are able to find joy even if it’s in the smallest of things. Try and take it easy, take the steps you need to take care of yourself and your mental health, and remember we got this. Lots of love.

On Deadlines

Life is funny. Just when it seems that you have a grip over reality, something turns up and flips everything upside-down. That’s life- it’s funny like that (or at the very least, it thinks it is).

Growing up, my aunt had a rule: never say the words, “I’m bored.” In the case anyone slipped up and said the B-word, she always had a list of chores at the ready, ensuring that no one would ever complain of being bored again. Today, I messed up. As I mulled over the mundane happenings of my day-to-day life (read: wake up, eat yogurt or drink a smoothie, go to the gym for an hour and a half, go to work, come home, read/watch TV, rinse, and repeat) on a day off, I uttered to myself, “I’m bored,” knowing that somehow, some way, life would make me regret ever even thinking about being bored. Now, to clarify, what I meant was more along the lines of “I want a vacation,” but of course life had other plans.

I am (and I say this with great confidence) in a schlump. Maybe it’s the weather, maybe it’s the yawn-inducing feeling that everything is the same everyday, or maybe it’s that I really do just need a change of scenery, but as of lately I feel, for lack of a better term, bleh. Bleh is not just unmotivated, but also not particularly hungry, not particularly sleepy, not particularly energetic, not particularly anything. Bleh is the feeling characterized by lack of any feelings- as if somehow nonchalance and indifference were combined into one.

I have found that when I’m feeling “bleh,” something comes up and slaps me in the face to bring me back to reality, and that something is more often than not a deadline. Today, out of bleh-dom, I opened my General Chemistry MCAT book for the first time in about a month. I’ll go into further details some other time regarding my first test experience, but it was not everything I had hoped for; I had made a hasty, rush-attempt at studying for the exam in one month, knowing my goal was FAR in personal-record territory. As an additional challenge, I found myself internally combusting over other life crises, forcing me to make an active decision everyday as to whether studying was on the back-burner. After the whole experience was over, I emerged with a vendetta for the MCAT, as I had realized there never has been, nor will be a “good” time to take this exam, and I promised myself that I would pick up my books again when I was in the right headspace to do so.

After reading and doing some problems earlier today, I searched when registration was if I wanted to retake the exam later this year, say, late summer/early fall. Again, at this point, I am merely dipping my toe into the MCAT ocean, but in the back of my head I know that late summer/early fall is the do-or-die time, assuming I will be going back to school this fall and want to completely dedicate that time to my studies.

Here is the moment that life laughs in my face for thinking “hey, you know what- I’m kinda bored.” It’s 1 am, and I’m getting ready to sleep as the webpage loads, I’m cursing under my breath at the internet to hurry up and load so I can sleep. The webpage loads. Registration opens today, and suddenly I no longer know what sleep is. Somehow, within the span of 15 minutes, I have convinced myself that I am going to take this exam, that I am going to study for this exam in approximately 6 months, and that I am going to kill this exam when the date that I spontaneously picked because it “felt right.” All in the span of 15 minutes.

Not that I did not have a purpose before, but I am grateful for this deadline just as much as I am surprised for not only reminding me what my purpose is, but also reinvigorating my motivation to push for my dream of becoming a doctor one day. Losing sight of the end goal is easy, but I am making a promise to myself (read: newfound self who I have a great amount of respect for- more on that later) that I will work hard to meet my goals, even if that means having to experience some discomfort.

2 a.m. brain-dump

Miraculously, a whole 3 months have passed since I have written anything, which is remarkably …unsurprising. Spoiler alert: I am not a dog owner ( I wish not to discuss further details at this time). Despite that, it has still been a rather interesting 3 months marked by a couple of small milestones such as establishing a regularly irregular- read: sinus arrhythmia (no pun intended)- work schedule, somehow miraculously pulling off an intricately thought-out ploy in order to have a mini-adventure and frequent one of my favorite places in this world, finally placing the much overdue period at the end of what can only be described as an almost-precisely 4-year long run-on sentence, and rather uneventfully (measured in units of hoopla) celebrating my 22nd birthday with a few of my favorite people. I have done a lot of reflecting during this period of time, ultimately cultivating gratitude for the opportunity to be alive, even if it means occasionally “suffering the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune.” Shakespeare’s words, not mine.

Despite having to be awake in exactly 3 hours, my mind is still somehow buzzing with a mix of shower thoughts and subtle realizations, some of which I *actually* promise I will compile into a later note that will be an an amalgamation of the concepts of balance, tiredness, energy, goodbyes, and my periodic rage-drives. Currently, I find myself in a state of regret and wanting a do-over with the understanding of the concept of time that I have only recently begun to acquire.

A few months ago, I happened to stumble across a TED talk titled “The Magic of Not Giving a F***.” To describe it as humbling would be an understatement. I have long been familiar with the concept of the importance of time, money, and energy, but by adding these three critical values together in order to create a “f*** budget” forced me to analyze where all of my f***s were being allocated. Bluntly put, it was not pretty. The realization that I had been wasting copious amounts of f***s on things and people that were not worth my precious f***s was not a new one to me, but something that my denial-plagued mind had buried in the depths of my hippocampus. When the realization resurfaced, it was a sobering one; I had spent the better part of the past few years neglecting myself and allocating every last f*** I had toward goals that would and could never be fulfilled sustainably, or without ultimately hurting myself. After a long day of wasting all of my f***s, I would be so tired, unfulfilled, and depressed that I would sleep for 14 hours at a time only to wake up and repeat the process again almost every single day for the better part of the last few years. Suddenly, I felt hurt and scammed by none other than myself, and found myself staring into the abyss at 1 a.m. filled with regret and anger at my past self for neglecting my dreams of success and happiness and continuously putting stock in others for my own happiness and self worth, wasting countless amounts of time, money, and energy that could have been invested in so many wiser ways.

After even selling myself on this narrative that my allocation of my invaluable f***s was not in any way problematic or hurting my chances of fulfilling my dreams, I somehow began to not trust anything I said or even promised myself. At a subconscious level, I always knew that there was a problem, but somehow I would explicitly promise myself “I am going to do _ today,” or “I will never let _ happen,” yet, I would go and do the exact opposite. Somehow, the mind of my inner born-procrastinator and my newfound aficionado of self-sabotage would collaborate without fail to ensure I did the exact OPPOSITE of what I said I would (or would not) do, creating an internal cast of doubt upon every subsequent thing I attempted to do. As a result, I continued to let myself rack up mediocre grades, procrastinate on matters that were more important than not, and continue to lie to myself that there were no problems and that everything was just fine.

As cliche as it sounds, the first step in devising a permanent solution is recognizing and admitting that there is a problem. I made the biggest mistake of my life by letting myself waste my f***s, but I am grateful to have had that startling realization when I did despite a long period of denial. I am taking ownership of my mistakes, and now my time, money, and energy so that I have agency over the direction of my life such that nobody can tell me otherwise. I am channeling my anger at my past self into motivation to allocate my f***s into my forgiveness, my dreams, my goals, and my intrinsic happiness, because frankly, I scared myself for a minute there. Having gained that small piece of insight, I know that I not only can, but that I will fulfill my goals. Wishing anyone who happens to come across this success, luck, and agency over your f***s.

Link to aforementioned TED talk: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GwRzjFQa_Og

Design a site like this with WordPress.com
Get started