On 2020 (and wishes for 2021)

Late again, I know. I started writing this and didn’t quite wrap it up until just now, but here it is anyways.

All jokes aside about the clock striking “11:60,” calendars changing to “December 32nd,” and welcoming in 2021 by yelling “Jumanji” aside (which I did in fact do as a precautionary measure), 2020 is finally approaching an end, and I cannot emphasize the sheer gratitude with which I type this sentence. On a personal level, this past year has been exhausting and has broken me in more ways than I can count.

In the past, I have never really put too much stock into New Year; to me, it was just a “reset” that could be any arbitrary day- a mere holiday celebrating the passage of time. This year is a little different in that I feel that the world has been more connected than ever, and been through more together than in years past. Therefore, a collective “reset” encouraging us to reflect on how much has changed on the little rock we call home in this last lap around the sun might not only be therapeutic, but also help us renew our hopes together. While flipping the calendar to 2021 won’t magically stop the pandemic in its tracks, cure race-relations, and eliminate the disparities that are at the root of many of the issues unearthed in 2020, it represents a step forward toward what is hopefully a more positive future.

With that being said, here is a list of a few observations and points of reflection I have made throughout and about this past year:

1. News: This one is about something that had a much larger impact on my time, energy, and mental health that I would have ever imagined. The emergence of this obsession with being connected with the world and not wanting to miss a single thing while feeling more disconnected than ever on the inside has taken a large toll on many of us. Personally, my own increased consumption was out of a combination of a genuine fear of missing something important and my own fear of being ignorant to what was going on in a time so much was (and still is) going on. I would go to sleep stressed and unable to fall asleep, and wake up in the morning feeling anxious with my heart racing as I immediately turned off my alarm and scrolled through the news headlines, anticipating reading about something else horrible taking place while I was asleep. Like many of us this year, I was subject to the constant bombardment of social media, finding myself physically and psychologically unable to disconnect, doomscrolling (defined as “consuming a large quantity of negative online news, typically without pause, to the detriment of the mental health of the person consuming it”) until the wee hours of the morning. On one hand, I wanted to stay in the loop and in touch with what is happening in the world so I can do my part in speaking up for what I believe is right, but on the other hand I wanted to disappear off the face of social media, as I felt awful being swarmed by negative story after negative story. As someone who strongly identifies as an empath and absorbs the emotion behind whatever I see, I recognized that staying away from social media might be the best thing for me, and found myself happiest on the days when I was outdoors, trekking somewhere far away from phone service; however, I ultimately decided to stay active on social media and continue to consume news as I had been doing before out of fear of being ignorant. Frankly, I’m still not sure that I made the correct choice, but I’ve learned to be more cognizant of what I’m taking in and how to balance being connected with disconnecting for my mental health.
2. Feeling numb: This is more of a recent one, as I fear that like many others I have grown callous to the workings of the world. There’s only so many good shower cries (I’m talking no music, standing in burning hot water, cry ’til your tears are all out and you can’t breathe good cry) one can have before simply ceasing to feel anything at all. To further numb myself and detach from the world, I’d subsequently decide to neglect all responsibilities for multiple days at a time, and immerse myself in one of my favorite TV fictional worlds, while eating nothing but a bag of candy and some trail mix, often to my own detriment and regret. Having a full out good cry, detaching completely as a coping mechanism, realizing I need to complete a task to fulfill the bare minimum, and repeating was a horrible cycle I fell back into, but am happy to have finally broken.
3. Letting life happen to me rather than going out and grabbing it: This one was a pattern that I fell back into from 2019. At the time, I made the choice to metaphorically “bench” myself from life because I was ultimately unhappy with the person I had become and realized that I had to heal if I wanted to stop letting life happen to me and return to being that person who searched for opportunities in life. At the end of 2019 when I finally was happy with myself and grew the confidence and self-respect I needed, I went into the new year excited to continue living my life to the fullest, fresh with a newfound appreciation for time. When the train wreck that has been 2020 commenced, I quickly saw that opportunity as gone, as everyone was collectively “benched,” and I let the frustration and anger crush my spirit and unenthusiastically continued to go through the motions of what needed to be done. While I did occasionally find happiness in hiking days and drives down my favorite highway, I largely felt that time was passing me by, and each second I failed to grab it, hold on, and make something of it. However, I’m happy to report that I’ve been shaking this off over the past few weeks with the realization that there are so many factors out of our control, and it’s our job to make the best of the cards we have been dealt.
4. We really aren’t in control: This epiphany was a comforting one (in my opinion, at least). Considering there are over 7 billion of us piled up on a relatively tiny rock hurling over 60,000 miles per hour through space, there are lots of things that lie far beyond our control. While I spent more than a fair share of time debating with myself whether the current situation was preventable, I realized that there are so many factors everyday that pose the threat of disrupting us, and in the grand scheme of things, we’re pretty insignificant. Living in fear of change and with hatred toward change isn’t the answer, as these things are inevitable. Having a good sense of humor helps with this one, as I have found laughing at myself and my own flops helps make change a little easier sometimes.
5. Learn to recognize self-sabotage: Life doesn’t have to be that difficult sometimes, so why make it so? At times, I found 2020 so awfully repetitive, that I sprinkled in a little self sabotage to spice things up. My personal favorite form, procrastination, proved to be the gold-medalist in this year’s self sabotage Olympics, but after recognizing this pattern, I hope that it is something I can put to rest going forward, as there isn’t an infinite number of “tomorrow’s.”
6. Self love and self-respect: This one was a repeat lesson for me and largely ties in with the self sabotage. Concisely put, I recently came across a statement that really struck with me: “Treat yourself like you treat those you love.” Read that again. In theory, it should and does make sense, but in practice, I struggle. Why am I willing to run a marathon and then some for those I love but struggle to even complete a mile for myself sometimes? This statement is one I will remember more going forward into 2021 because I do love myself- so why should I treat myself as any less than the people I love.
7. Choose gratitude: This year was a real test of that. At the end of 2019, I finally adopted a more gratitude-based mindset that forced me to see the good in everything that came my way regardless of whether it was wonderful or awful. I welcomed this new way of thinking as a challenge for my brain in altering my frame of perception into one based on acceptance, learning, and love, but 2020 broke the mindset I had worked so hard to adopt. As a result, I reverted back to being chronically happy and thinking “why do things have to be this way” as I was frustrated with the general direction of the world from non-adherence to lockdown and mask guidelines to the sheer amount of negativity. Each day I would have a miniature existential crisis whether things have really gotten worse in the world or whether perceiving the world in such a negative light was just the product of growing older and becoming more jaded. However, I remember one *small* but important moment of peace and reassurance toward the end of the year. For my birthday, I sat on an empty beach alone and stared at the water while thinking how lucky I am to call earth home, and how after each seemingly impressive wave, another more impressive one would eventually come after. This reminded me how everything we experience is temporary, and washed away in a flash. As I continued to watch the water, I reminded myself that I will accept what comes my way with gratitude from now on. There is no shortage of negative people and horrible things in this world, and we (on an individual level) usually can’t control these factors too much; however, we are very much so in charge of how we choose to receive things and interpret the world.
8. Choose Do over Dwell: I longed for comfort and the past and my “old” life back more than ever in 2020, mostly because of the change it brought. As a result, I wasted a monumental amount of time wishing life was different, ultimately sacrificing creativity and productivity on what had already passed and couldn’t be changed. Had I spent time doing the things I needed to accomplish more of my goals, I believe I would have at least felt somewhat fulfilled.

In 2021, I hope to cultivate healthier habits including…

Being more kind to myself: Making sure I eat everyday and make healthier choices (and not forget to eat all day and polish an entire box of Peppermint Oreos).

Not waiting on the world to reopen to be productive: Realistically who knows how long things are going to be this way (where I’m at, we’re in lockdown again and things don’t seem to be looking up for a while). Might as well accept not having any social obligations to give 110% in the few things I have going on right now so that I can put myself in position to really live once some semblance of normal returns.

Consistently exercise: As I write this on what is now 1/5, I am happy to report I am *very* sore from today’s workout, and excited for my next workout in the morning.

Be a warmer person: 2020 really took it out of me. I honestly became a cold person who was shut off from everyone with the exception of a small handful of people. I became uninterested and aloof- characteristics that are not in alignment with my true personality. Consequentially, I have felt isolated and two-dimensional for lack of a better term, just doing the bare minimum and shutting down.

Embracing life: I really hope that in 2021 I can fall in love with life again and act knowing that I do have at least some willpower over how things turn out.

Semi-consistently journalling or writing: Whether it’s on here or on a piece of paper, I really enjoy being able to get my thoughts out into the void. It helps me not dwell on anything for too long, clear up some headspace, and maybe see that we really are, at least to some degree, all going through some of the same things.

Non-screen related hobbies: Lately art and painting have been a therapeutic and fun way to not contribute to unnecessary doomscrolling

Read more: Self explanatory

Spend more time with the people I love: Largely contingent on the state of the pandemic, but I think a lot of us want this one.

Eternal optimism: This is my last point, but I truly hope to embrace this mindset of eternal optimism in order to feel lighter and be more productive by knowing that the universe is working with us, not against us (even though it may seem so at times). A video I recently watched put into words a feeling/way of thinking that involves embracing whatever comes your way: amor fati (which literally translates to love for one’s fate). If we can learn to love our fate and learn from it, I believe that we can live at the level of intrinsic and soul-level happiness, and seek joy in eternal optimism.

Again, I apologize for the long post, and if you have managed to make it this far, thank you for reading. Wishing you nothing short of the absolute best in 2021.

Link to the video I really enjoyed (~10 min watch): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NpJpjlLze5k