On Deadlines

Life is funny. Just when it seems that you have a grip over reality, something turns up and flips everything upside-down. That’s life- it’s funny like that (or at the very least, it thinks it is).

Growing up, my aunt had a rule: never say the words, “I’m bored.” In the case anyone slipped up and said the B-word, she always had a list of chores at the ready, ensuring that no one would ever complain of being bored again. Today, I messed up. As I mulled over the mundane happenings of my day-to-day life (read: wake up, eat yogurt or drink a smoothie, go to the gym for an hour and a half, go to work, come home, read/watch TV, rinse, and repeat) on a day off, I uttered to myself, “I’m bored,” knowing that somehow, some way, life would make me regret ever even thinking about being bored. Now, to clarify, what I meant was more along the lines of “I want a vacation,” but of course life had other plans.

I am (and I say this with great confidence) in a schlump. Maybe it’s the weather, maybe it’s the yawn-inducing feeling that everything is the same everyday, or maybe it’s that I really do just need a change of scenery, but as of lately I feel, for lack of a better term, bleh. Bleh is not just unmotivated, but also not particularly hungry, not particularly sleepy, not particularly energetic, not particularly anything. Bleh is the feeling characterized by lack of any feelings- as if somehow nonchalance and indifference were combined into one.

I have found that when I’m feeling “bleh,” something comes up and slaps me in the face to bring me back to reality, and that something is more often than not a deadline. Today, out of bleh-dom, I opened my General Chemistry MCAT book for the first time in about a month. I’ll go into further details some other time regarding my first test experience, but it was not everything I had hoped for; I had made a hasty, rush-attempt at studying for the exam in one month, knowing my goal was FAR in personal-record territory. As an additional challenge, I found myself internally combusting over other life crises, forcing me to make an active decision everyday as to whether studying was on the back-burner. After the whole experience was over, I emerged with a vendetta for the MCAT, as I had realized there never has been, nor will be a “good” time to take this exam, and I promised myself that I would pick up my books again when I was in the right headspace to do so.

After reading and doing some problems earlier today, I searched when registration was if I wanted to retake the exam later this year, say, late summer/early fall. Again, at this point, I am merely dipping my toe into the MCAT ocean, but in the back of my head I know that late summer/early fall is the do-or-die time, assuming I will be going back to school this fall and want to completely dedicate that time to my studies.

Here is the moment that life laughs in my face for thinking “hey, you know what- I’m kinda bored.” It’s 1 am, and I’m getting ready to sleep as the webpage loads, I’m cursing under my breath at the internet to hurry up and load so I can sleep. The webpage loads. Registration opens today, and suddenly I no longer know what sleep is. Somehow, within the span of 15 minutes, I have convinced myself that I am going to take this exam, that I am going to study for this exam in approximately 6 months, and that I am going to kill this exam when the date that I spontaneously picked because it “felt right.” All in the span of 15 minutes.

Not that I did not have a purpose before, but I am grateful for this deadline just as much as I am surprised for not only reminding me what my purpose is, but also reinvigorating my motivation to push for my dream of becoming a doctor one day. Losing sight of the end goal is easy, but I am making a promise to myself (read: newfound self who I have a great amount of respect for- more on that later) that I will work hard to meet my goals, even if that means having to experience some discomfort.