“I’m GoNnA wRiTe EvErYdAy.” Next joke, please. It’s okay though, because I’ll just write whenever I have updates or things I want to write about- which, interestingly enough I only ever remember or care about at night (clearly any effort into becoming a morning a morning person has been fruitless thus far). Anyways, time for a life update!!!

I have finally (after many, many moons) obtained a job. After my first day of training, I can honestly say that I really enjoy it, like the people for the most part so far, and think that it’s the perfect distance away (a nice ‘lil 20 minute commute). I think it’ll be a lot of fun and a great learning experience overall, but obviously know that working in an ER comes with some not-so-fun days too. Nevertheless, I can’t wait to start properly working and learning.

On a growth note, something rather interesting happened today that initially bothered me (and to be completely honest still does a little), but was ultimately one of those token “who even was the old me” moments. Someone I knew- okay had a class with but never remembered existed due to my preoccupation with other things- from university days recognized me *only* due to my association with other people, and while I still am friends with the individual this particular moment concerns, I felt my blood boil a little at myself for letting my primary identity being “*name redacted*’s subordinate” for the past few years of my life and wish that I would have spent my college years investing more time in carving out my own identity a little more. However, I am still grateful for this realization although it first appeared approximately halfway through my last semester. Boiling takes.

Since I last wrote, I have found myself trying to fill my life with more fulfilling things in my spare time. Don’t get me wrong, I still take my naps, and watch my fix of YouTube (but now mostly cooking, life improvement/TED talks, and podcast related things), but I have also taken up going to the gym regularly. About 3 weeks ago, I told myself I would go to the gym as regularly as possible for the next 3 months, combat my fear of using weight machines incorrectly and being publicly exposed as some type of lunatic, and finally get into a shape that is not round. I make smoothies and eat salads now too, occasionally. Somehow, I have an affinity for spinach, apple, and pineapple smoothies. I *try* (and have miserably failed, but more on that later in another blog post… I have some scalding takes) to make more time to meet with the friends I care most about, because they make me happiest and all the TED Talks I’ve been watching lately emphasize the importance of being social to stay sane (and how socializing is embedded in our evolution- a very interesting concept). I keep up with podcasts, music, and continually add recipes to my never-ending list of baking endeavors, which I hope to start actually rolling out soon. With 4 day work weeks, I hope that I can still make time for the things I care about most even with 10 hour shifts.

Perhaps most excitingly of all, I have effectively begun the dog search (much more fun than the job search, but still lots of waiting on emails). The logic here is that I’m totally in a position where I have the time this year to take care of and train a puppy before moving out (and of course taking my dog with me, assuming my family hasn’t grown more attached to it than I will). Furthermore, research supports that dogs make people happier and I support research. You can’t argue with the facts. I don’t make the rules. If I’m going to be at home 99.9% of the time when I’m not at work, I see no reason as to why- besides, this seems like a great way to keep me sane throughout the dreaded master’s app, MCAT, med school app process. While this may come as a literal surprise to the parentals (as I literally plan on walking in and as nonchalantly as humanly possible saying “surprise”), I think it will make some of us immensely happy. Hopefully within these next few blog posts I’ll have an Apollo, Sirius, Orion, Bear, Moose, Nova, Astro, Darwin (actually maybe not, heard he was racist), Bunsen, or whatever other adorably dorky name I come up with.

While this has been a wonderful, slightly long, and somewhat eventful blog post, I am tired from an early-ish day, driving 100+ miles, and being poked numerous times, and am afraid this is all for today. Perhaps next time I’ll about the crazy dream I had that made me a little bit more grateful for the ability to be alive or some of my favorite moments in my favorite places in the world if I listen to the Despacito cello cover again whilst writing.

Well hello, I guess. I’m not exactly sure what brought me here- whether it was my random middle of the night, second wind-induced realization that I should keep up writing, or a completely out of the blue whim, but here I am anyways. Bluntly put, gap years suck, but I’m doing my best nevertheless- so I guess this is going to be my live, play-by-play documentation on gap year life, and how exactly I’m working towards my hopes and dreams in part to hold myself accountable, but also so that hopefully in a few years I can look back at where I was with a sense of accomplishment. Ultimately, if I’m really lucky, someone else will have stumbled upon this and found it to be helpful. So without much further ado, here’s a bit of backstory to how exactly I’m sitting at my desk at 2 am starting a blog of all things and what I hope to accomplish in the next year.

tldr: went to college (woooo number 1 public university go bears), was remarkably… average, struggled with anxiety, one thing didn’t go my way and I let that become me (for much too long), a lot of other things didn’t go my way, turned things around and was finally happy for a very short period of time, then the exam-who-must-not-be-named quite blatantly kicked my butt, and I ultimately became a person I was fundamentally unhappy with. Although I ended on a high note academically, the last few months of undergrad were largely the most miserable I have ever been. I had an otherwise shabby academic record, had yet to score an MCAT score I was pleased with, and didn’t have any concrete plans for the year that loomed ahead (or life in general), while everyone else had their plans seemingly figured out.

After a lot of thought, I realized that (as difficult as it is) I can’t base my happiness on success or other people, that happiness is most simply cultivated through gratitude, that growth is created from discomfort, and that success is propagated through willpower. I have since decided to view each day as something to be grateful for, as it is a new opportunity for new experiences and new knowledge. I have forgiven myself for mistakes I made in the past, and thankfully had the long-awaited realization (ironically, while on one) that if I want to live up to my full potential I need to start respecting myself. After a full out change in mentality, I’m finding that I am generally happier that I used to be and embrace fear and discomfort as welcome opportunities for growth. That being said, I absolutely can’t wait to move out and give this whole life thing another well-deserved shot next year. As for this year, I hope to fill my gap year with work (b/c ya girl needs her funds but also seeking employment rip sos), finding some master’s programs I’d genuinely be excited about, opening my MCAT books again and using the fear as fuel, getting into proper shape, baking, learning some new songs on the piano, and photography. And maybe, just maybe conquering my fear of heights.

p.s. sorry for being two days late. I fell asleep. But from now on, I hope to use this as a log of what I did everyday during this gap year I’m so thankful to have, and hope to try something new everyday.