On Potential and Rewriting

After nearly a month of procrastination and countless “I’ll do it tomorrow’s,” I finally checked my test score. I got a 510. While I’m grateful to have made some improvement (and overall have a much more balanced score), I did feel *slightly* disappointed in myself, and couldn’t help but to feel as if it was not a reflection of my full potential. For reference, I took multiple practice exams in the month leading up to my exam, and my lowest score was a 512, but I was able to break a 515 in the last few tests I took, leaving me feeling fairly optimistic before test day. I also thought that I studied much more sustainably this time around. While normally studying for this god-forsaken exam is a process riddled with countless mental breakdowns, self-doubt, and highs and lows, I felt that this time around was so much more consistent. I don’t recall having any “good cries” while studying, and while I did struggle with some practice material, I felt fairly consistent and my practice scores reflected that. As a result, I can’t help but to feel as if my score does not reflect my full potential. While it’s by no means a bad score (or at least one bad enough to push applying to medical school under the rug for another year), I have been reflecting on what I can do better, because clearly something is missing.

1. Becoming Process Oriented: Something that I recognize is that like most goals, career paths, and dreams, pursuing medicine is incredibly process oriented- meaning that appreciating the instances in which I had to skip something else in order to study, or resist the urge to hit snooze and start my day are the small instances that encapsulate the essence of the process. I feel that since I grew up in an environment that consistently reinforced that happiness, value, and self-worth should is derived from outcomes and destinations rather than processes and journeys, becoming more process oriented has required an incredible amount of effort, self-awareness, and inducing a fundamental change in the mindset that I have been conditioned to embrace. There is no reason that happiness (or even a sense of accomplishment) should be tied to the large milestones, when in reality, small milestones and actions taken each day- such as taking 15 minutes of your morning to read something that inspires you and places you in the right headspace for the day- ahead are behind the larger accomplishment. By delaying our own sense of accomplishment, we are unfairly robbing ourselves of the happiness that we deserve. We deserve to take pride in the small actions we take each day that drive us toward achieving the bigger goal, and not push off that happiness for another day. In the wise (and somewhat meme-worthy but nevertheless true) words of Joel Embiid, Trust the Process.

2. Making Time to Live: I have always been an all-or-nothing type of person- I either indulge in excess, or not at all. While it has been easy to recognize in theory, making a lasting change has proven to be slightly more difficult in practice. I live for novelty. A new food I absolutely need to try? The hike that has been sitting on my list of things I want to do? The potential new hobby left unchecked on my bucket list? Sign me up for it all. Experiencing life through a new lens is what captivates me and keeps me motivated; however, the issue arises when I completely throw all of my focus to work, thereby neglecting life, or vice-versa. I strive to have more of a balance between these two elements going forward, and to healthily integrate chasing the novel experiences I live for into my life.

3. Being Fully Present: This is something I have admittedly struggled with for a long time. Even while sitting down to write this piece, my mind has wandered countless times- drifting off to ask myself whether I think the cloudy sky may clear later today, and what I want to eat for lunch. I believe that we have become so interconnected and adapted to multitasking, thinking quickly, changing gears, and getting answers within a split second that it takes a degree of effort to re-ground and re-focus to the task at hand. Through being more present, I hope that I will be able to focus on tasks more easily, and get work done more efficiently with less worry and fewer distractions.

Rewriting my Life: Rewriting anything presents as a lofty goal; to rewrite means to not only dissect the meaning of whatever currently exists, but to release what no longer serves you in your own journey and to cultivate new habits that will help make the journey all the more meaningful. I was recently inspired by an idea that someone shared titled the “20/20/20 Routine.” The routine is detailed in a book titled “The 5 a.m. Club” by Robin Sharma, which touts the benefits of waking up at 5 am each morning in order to dedicate the first hour of your day to meaningful activities that will subsequently result in a more productive and fulfilling day. While I’m most certainly not about to dedicate myself to waking up at 5 am each morning (at least yet, anyways), I loved the concept of creating the time to ensure the first hour of the day starts out with wellness in mind. In this routine, 20 minutes are spent meditating, another 20 are spent exercising (although I would probably replace this with drinking my cherished morning cup of coffee and listening to a podcast as I prefer exercising in the evening), and the last 20 minutes are spent reading, writing, or journalling. Today was the first day I embraced the routine, and while I took a quick cleaning break in between, I felt more excited to be awake and start my day. Done consistently, I can see this routine having a profound impact on the quality of my days, and the willingness with which I embrace the process- whatever may lay ahead going forward. Additionally, in order to experience life in a more balanced way, I have decided to take the time out to try something new (go to a new place, try a new hobby, etc…) at least once a week. Finally, in hopes of being more present, I have made small changes that include setting limits on how long I stare at my phone screen aimlessly scrolling, and changing how many news outlets I receive notifications from. Waking up to a flood of notifications from a myriad of news outlets- mostly from the preprogrammed settings- has never been an optimal way to start my day, and I hope that by making this small change, I can start off on a much less overwhelmed note, as it is so important to balance being aware of current events while taking care to not over-consume either.

If you’ve managed to make it to the end of this, thank you for reading, and I also invite you to try the 20/20/20 routine (or your own rendition of it). Here’s to wellness while achieving that full potential in whatever it may be.