Some Life Updates…

So we meet again. Sensing a pattern yet? Once again, I find myself taking a moment to reflect out loud (or at least in writing) on the past few months since I last wrote, where I’m at currently, and where I hope to be/how I hope to grow in these next few months. This might be a little more reminiscent of a diary entry as opposed to my usual somewhat long-winded soliloquy centered on a particular topic, but here it goes nevertheless.

Happy application season to my fellow 2022 med school hopefuls! Frankly reflecting on the past 6 years of experiences and my own journey and my why has been rapidly pushing its way to the forefront of my mind throughout the first half of the year, and as a result, this is what most of my blog post is going to be about.

Taking the Plunge: I did it. I retook my MCAT. After over two (very) tumultuous years, countless “I’ll sign up for it the next rounds,” and a global pandemic later, I signed up, studied, and retook this exam that has been persistently looming over my head (and not to mention a general menace to my well-being). While I’m proud of myself for getting through the process with comparatively fewer mental breakdowns than any of the other instances I took the exam, it still induces the same deep-seated discomfort in my gut. Merely thinking about the exam or how I did or checking my score (which has now been out for almost a month) makes me feel like simultaneously throwing up and becoming a ghost. While I took my exam in late March, I have felt “checked-out” for lack of a better term since, and have largely delegated the remainder of my day to day activities since to autopilot. Once again, I feel that life is passively happening to me rather than feeling in control and in charge of the direction of my own life. On a more exciting note, I completed my last full semester of graduate courses and for the first time since my senior year of high school, received all A’s. What a feeling. I have never been one to stress (excessively) over grades, and have usually done relatively well in school; however, consistently putting forth my best effort yet receiving overwhelmingly mediocre grades throughout my undergraduate career really took a significant toll on my mental health. While I know, understand and emphasize (!!) that academic performance- or any indicator of performance, really- should not dictate your own self-worth, and that self worth is derived from within, I felt absolutely defeated when my best efforts to do well were not enough; these defeats quickly piled up, leaving me feeling discouraged and worthless. Luckily, I can report that since then, I think I’ve become a better student, prioritized my own mental health and wellbeing much more than I used to, and as a result, have seen better results academically.

My Takeaways: What I took from this process (and I sincerely believe these things can be applied to almost any challenge in life) was the power of balance. Often within this career field- and so many others- people glamorize being miserable. It’s the widely held notions of “I didn’t speak to my friends for 6 months,” and the “I hated my life for the month leading up to the exam,” and the “I was so miserable and sleep-deprived” that make us believe that in order to be successful and “keep up,” we have to be these things too. We do not. The most profound and deep-rooted wins come from being able to balance making the occasional sacrifice in order to prioritize whatever it is we may be working on while also taking care of ourselves and making sure that we get our sleep, are eating well, staying connected with the people we love, and taking the time we need to reflect on our experiences as they occur. You do not have to make yourself miserable in order to be successful. I also learned the importance of cultivating good habits and sticking to them in order to better combat my procrastinator tendencies. While I still definitely procrastinated starting studying for this exam (and have definitely procrastinated getting my application in order), life is SO much easier if we take it step by step, prioritize a task or two a day, and most importantly execute the task of the day, whatever that may be. Big goals and accomplishments don’t just happen overnight (SO much easier said than done).

The Now: Cue Britney Spears’ 2000 hit “Oops I Did It Again..” because once again, I have procrastinated. Using phony justifications like “diamonds are made under pressure” as an alibi for my self doubt and feelings that I am not good enough to apply to med school (when in reality and despite any statistic, I have put in the work and am very passionate about being a physician), I find myself with T-1.5 days until submission opens with absolutely none of my application filled in. I have my activities outlined and my personal statement in mind, but for some reason, I have not been able to sit down and just write. In any other context, I absolutely love to write- it’s my creative outlet, my peaceful 20 minutes of the day, my opportunity to relax, reflect, and give thanks through words. However (and this is a BIG however), I do not particularly enjoy writing about myself- especially within the context of producing a seemingly expertly-crafted humblebrag about myself. Few things in this world disgust me more. In fact, this is almost a warm-up piece to get back in the writing funk before I sit down and get to more seriously writing what will hopefully be a winning personal statement.

More Takeaways: Self doubt is the enemy of success, and continuing to marinate in thoughts that make you doubt yourself or your capabilities is only blocking your success. The antidote: sit down and just do it. By reclaiming your autonomy over yourself through sitting down and doing the thing and not letting your fears define you, you’re holding up a metaphorical middle finger to self doubt or any other counter-productive thoughts that may be blocking your successes.

I apologize for this very diary-esque post, but I hope that it finds someone who can derive any sort of meaning, inspiration, or positive thought from it. Hopefully I’ll be back for more normal writing soon.