Insomnia

It’s been a while. I know. The last time I published anything was February 5th, 2020. While I have opened my laptop to write multiple times in the past 221 days and even saved multiple drafts waiting to be uploaded, nothing seemed to do it for me. So far, this year has felt like one hit after another- I would start a piece that I felt resonated with me and captured my thoughts and emotions in the moment, but suddenly find myself running late for work, telling myself “I’ll come back to it later.” However, between the pandemic fatigue, mental fog, generalized sentiment of apathy and the burgeoning set of new thoughts and feelings that took over as a completely new and somehow more awful headline emerged, later quickly became never.

On a personal level, the past 221 days have been filled with ups and downs, veiled by a general sense of longing for the “good old days.” I started grad school, I lost my grandfather, I moved to a new city in the middle of a pandemic, I postponed my MCAT (again- surprise, surprise), and I did a lot of reflecting.

Between the many “slumps,” bouts of insomnia, and strange/borderline hallucinogenic quarantine dreams (or nightmares, whatever you choose to call them), I thought about life and what it means to be alive sharing this experience with 7 billion fellow humans. I thought about history, I thought about race, I thought about the value that we have placed on the color of our skin. I thought about injustices throughout time, I thought about crimes against humanity, I thought about evoking change. I reflected on my own life and thought about my own privilege. I began reading “for fun” again. At times, I felt incredibly confident in myself and abilities to navigate the world during uncertain times, yet the next day, I would find myself feeling down and hopeless. I thought about love. I cried myself to sleep. I tried to be better to myself for myself. I compared myself to others- just as I said I would not do. And on some days like today, my brain was buzzing with so many thoughts I simply could not fall asleep.

I feel comfort knowing that many others share the same thoughts and feelings over the past 7 months as I have. Although the past few months have been a nauseating amalgamation of fear, misery, and a general sentiment of distrust, I find hope in knowing that we can and will do better. With that it’s time to sleep, as it’s past 3:30 am. In the next few days, I hope that I can finish up the few things sitting in my drafts and publish them since they are vignettes illustrating my direct thoughts/emotions in this wild time we’re all living in.

And to anyone who stumbles across this: I hope that you are doing well. I get that it may be tough living in the current climate we’re facing, and hope that despite all the terrible things that are happening in the world, you are able to find joy even if it’s in the smallest of things. Try and take it easy, take the steps you need to take care of yourself and your mental health, and remember we got this. Lots of love.