Miraculously, a whole 3 months have passed since I have written anything, which is remarkably …unsurprising. Spoiler alert: I am not a dog owner ( I wish not to discuss further details at this time). Despite that, it has still been a rather interesting 3 months marked by a couple of small milestones such as establishing a regularly irregular- read: sinus arrhythmia (no pun intended)- work schedule, somehow miraculously pulling off an intricately thought-out ploy in order to have a mini-adventure and frequent one of my favorite places in this world, finally placing the much overdue period at the end of what can only be described as an almost-precisely 4-year long run-on sentence, and rather uneventfully (measured in units of hoopla) celebrating my 22nd birthday with a few of my favorite people. I have done a lot of reflecting during this period of time, ultimately cultivating gratitude for the opportunity to be alive, even if it means occasionally “suffering the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune.” Shakespeare’s words, not mine.
Despite having to be awake in exactly 3 hours, my mind is still somehow buzzing with a mix of shower thoughts and subtle realizations, some of which I *actually* promise I will compile into a later note that will be an an amalgamation of the concepts of balance, tiredness, energy, goodbyes, and my periodic rage-drives. Currently, I find myself in a state of regret and wanting a do-over with the understanding of the concept of time that I have only recently begun to acquire.
A few months ago, I happened to stumble across a TED talk titled “The Magic of Not Giving a F***.” To describe it as humbling would be an understatement. I have long been familiar with the concept of the importance of time, money, and energy, but by adding these three critical values together in order to create a “f*** budget” forced me to analyze where all of my f***s were being allocated. Bluntly put, it was not pretty. The realization that I had been wasting copious amounts of f***s on things and people that were not worth my precious f***s was not a new one to me, but something that my denial-plagued mind had buried in the depths of my hippocampus. When the realization resurfaced, it was a sobering one; I had spent the better part of the past few years neglecting myself and allocating every last f*** I had toward goals that would and could never be fulfilled sustainably, or without ultimately hurting myself. After a long day of wasting all of my f***s, I would be so tired, unfulfilled, and depressed that I would sleep for 14 hours at a time only to wake up and repeat the process again almost every single day for the better part of the last few years. Suddenly, I felt hurt and scammed by none other than myself, and found myself staring into the abyss at 1 a.m. filled with regret and anger at my past self for neglecting my dreams of success and happiness and continuously putting stock in others for my own happiness and self worth, wasting countless amounts of time, money, and energy that could have been invested in so many wiser ways.
After even selling myself on this narrative that my allocation of my invaluable f***s was not in any way problematic or hurting my chances of fulfilling my dreams, I somehow began to not trust anything I said or even promised myself. At a subconscious level, I always knew that there was a problem, but somehow I would explicitly promise myself “I am going to do _ today,” or “I will never let _ happen,” yet, I would go and do the exact opposite. Somehow, the mind of my inner born-procrastinator and my newfound aficionado of self-sabotage would collaborate without fail to ensure I did the exact OPPOSITE of what I said I would (or would not) do, creating an internal cast of doubt upon every subsequent thing I attempted to do. As a result, I continued to let myself rack up mediocre grades, procrastinate on matters that were more important than not, and continue to lie to myself that there were no problems and that everything was just fine.
As cliche as it sounds, the first step in devising a permanent solution is recognizing and admitting that there is a problem. I made the biggest mistake of my life by letting myself waste my f***s, but I am grateful to have had that startling realization when I did despite a long period of denial. I am taking ownership of my mistakes, and now my time, money, and energy so that I have agency over the direction of my life such that nobody can tell me otherwise. I am channeling my anger at my past self into motivation to allocate my f***s into my forgiveness, my dreams, my goals, and my intrinsic happiness, because frankly, I scared myself for a minute there. Having gained that small piece of insight, I know that I not only can, but that I will fulfill my goals. Wishing anyone who happens to come across this success, luck, and agency over your f***s.
Link to aforementioned TED talk: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GwRzjFQa_Og
sporadic musings of a (somewhat) lost student 