Day 1: 8/6/19

Well hello, I guess. I’m not exactly sure what brought me here- whether it was my random middle of the night, second wind-induced realization that I should keep up writing, or a completely out of the blue whim, but here I am anyways. Bluntly put, gap years suck, but I’m doing my best nevertheless- so I guess this is going to be my live, play-by-play documentation on gap year life, and how exactly I’m working towards my hopes and dreams in part to hold myself accountable, but also so that hopefully in a few years I can look back at where I was with a sense of accomplishment. Ultimately, if I’m really lucky, someone else will have stumbled upon this and found it to be helpful. So without much further ado, here’s a bit of backstory to how exactly I’m sitting at my desk at 2 am starting a blog of all things and what I hope to accomplish in the next year.

tldr: went to college (woooo number 1 public university go bears), was remarkably… average, struggled with anxiety, one thing didn’t go my way and I let that become me (for much too long), a lot of other things didn’t go my way, turned things around and was finally happy for a very short period of time, then the exam-who-must-not-be-named quite blatantly kicked my butt, and I ultimately became a person I was fundamentally unhappy with. Although I ended on a high note academically, the last few months of undergrad were largely the most miserable I have ever been. I had an otherwise shabby academic record, had yet to score an MCAT score I was pleased with, and didn’t have any concrete plans for the year that loomed ahead (or life in general), while everyone else had their plans seemingly figured out.

After a lot of thought, I realized that (as difficult as it is) I can’t base my happiness on success or other people, that happiness is most simply cultivated through gratitude, that growth is created from discomfort, and that success is propagated through willpower. I have since decided to view each day as something to be grateful for, as it is a new opportunity for new experiences and new knowledge. I have forgiven myself for mistakes I made in the past, and thankfully had the long-awaited realization (ironically, while on one) that if I want to live up to my full potential I need to start respecting myself. After a full out change in mentality, I’m finding that I am generally happier that I used to be and embrace fear and discomfort as welcome opportunities for growth. That being said, I absolutely can’t wait to move out and give this whole life thing another well-deserved shot next year. As for this year, I hope to fill my gap year with work (b/c ya girl needs her funds but also seeking employment rip sos), finding some master’s programs I’d genuinely be excited about, opening my MCAT books again and using the fear as fuel, getting into proper shape, baking, learning some new songs on the piano, and photography. And maybe, just maybe conquering my fear of heights.

p.s. sorry for being two days late. I fell asleep. But from now on, I hope to use this as a log of what I did everyday during this gap year I’m so thankful to have, and hope to try something new everyday.